Eclipsed [Long Version]

Merry glanced up at the TV, which had been on continuously since nine AM. “We’ve got time,” Merry said. “They said the Eclipse starts at 3:04”

“Uh, no. The moon begins to cross the sun at 1:49.” I worried our hosts didn’t grasp the nature of the phenomenon. “You don’t want to miss that. It moves slowly, takes over an hour to get full, when the sun goes completely dark.”

Merry blinked twice, absorbing that concept. She and her husband Joe live in Joe’s mother’s house, moving back to Seymour, Indiana when Nancy, nearly 92, showed signs of more rapid aging. Joe wanted to make sure he’d be there if his mother needed anything, and to lay his claim to the farmhouse at the edge of town. His sister Julie lived next door with one of her daughters and her other, Amy, just a short walk away.

“Well, what time should we be getting Nancy then?” Merry rasped, mixing her laugh with a classic smoker’s cough.

Julie put in, “Where should we take her? Amy’s having an Eclipse party with her friends. She said they’d already started on the beer.”

I said, “Don’t you think it would be cool if Nancy could see it right in front of her own house?” Nancy had been in a nursing home for several months ever since she’d fallen and broken her second bone in a month. We’d come out to the Midwest to see Cheryl’s aunt, our “last remaining elder”, and I didn’t want that visit to be blurred by loud, slurring youngsters, stepping all over an awesome event like this Eclipse. I’d seen one seven years earlier in Oregon with thousands of others camped out on a farmer’s field and knew that, while it seemed like an excuse for a party, it was probably better viewed in relaxation and peace.

I went on. “I checked out the driveway. We could set up there, it’s shady with the trees on the left, and an open view to where the sun will be this afternoon.”

Joe piped up, “Well, let’s go get some chairs, then.” Joe rolled his stout form out the door, leading up to a covered concrete patio at the back of the house. He walked by a webbed folding beach chair and began to untangle some sturdier ones with metal armrests.
“Those are perfect,” I said, noting the rounded back rests, high enough to support our heads as they tilted back during the final climax.

Joe’s hands and arms carry the stiffness and scars of a life lived first as a Marine, then in factory jobs. His fists are permanently balled, the fingers lumpy stubs. Still, he was able to grab one chair in each hand, while I stacked two together. Along with Merry and Cheryl we quickly created a little gallery under the elm tree out front, its distant branches flecked with tiny leaves about to unfurl in the rapidly warming Midwest spring.

“See? Perfect spot here. Just enough shade from the side, clear view to the southwest there.” I pointed towards Highway 31, where occasional semis blasted past, interspersed with cars headed to the airport, where a Louisville TV station had set up its Eclipse headquarters. Seymour had been discovered as the closest viewing locale with sufficient infrastructure for a major event. Motels had doubled their prices, the Chevy dealer offered free hot dogs, and the local tractor store provided seats on its machines to visitors, all seeking to capitalize on the happy accident of geography which put them underneath the curving route of totality.

********

We had come to Seymour primarily for nostalgia. Cheryl needed to revisit an idealized locale of her youth and visit Aunt Nancy `for possibly the last time. First stop was North Vernon, where Cheryl’s father’s forebears lived. We pulled off the two-lane state highway bringing us from Cincinnati and found ourselves on a bustling block where a diner sported a lively crowd this Friday night. The only seats available were at the bar, where Cheryl and I sat side-by-side when a curly-haired slender bottle-blond bartender wiped down the space in front of us and asked, “What’re you drinking tonight, then?” We’d spent the past two nights eating out in more sophisticated restaurants in downtown Cincinnati, having a Mezcal margarita at a Spanish tapas place, and a beer each at a Mexican establishment.

I scanned the two-sided vinyl-enclosed menu, zeroing in on the non-alcoholic drinks at the bottom. “Barq’s Root Beer!” I almost shouted. “That’s what I drank when I was a kid.” Smiling, I said, “Wow, I’ve gotta have one of those.” The middle- aged barkeep smiled as Cheryl hesitated while deciding between mint and green tea. The drinks came quickly, followed by the “Brewtine” I’d requested for my dinner. To the uninitiated, poutine is a Canadian concoction of French fries slathered with melted cheese and pork belly. This place used “beer cheese” as a nod to its clientele, who would rather eat their alcohol than been seen with anything as effete as a dish from our neigbors to the north.

Arriving in Seymour, we easily found Nancy’s house, a familiar half-mile north from the first traffic light coming into town. Merry and Joe greeted us warmly, giving us a quick tour. First stop, the refrigerator. “We got milk, some juice, there’s bacon,” Merry said, opening the door to reveal sparsely filled shelves.

Joe gave a half-smile while pointing out a small cardboard container. “And blueberry pie. Don’t forget the blueberry pie.”

Trying to be an appreciative guest, one who truly loves blueberries, I effused, “Oh, I love blueberries! Better watch out, I’ll probably eat the whole thing.”

Next stop, Nancy’s room, where we would be staying.

“I haven’t changed a thing in here”, Merry said. “We didn’t know when she’ll be coming home, so excuse the mess.” The room was filled with sixty-year-old furniture: a small desk, dressers, and a double bed. Coat racks groaned under the weight of silken and woolen scarves. I did not see a single chair, though. A thin, frazzled cat peeked timidly through the open door. Merry shooed the cat out with her foot, closing the door.

“We try to keep them out of here, at least. We’ve got two who live upstairs, and one down.” She pointed at a closed door, which led downstairs. “Don’t go down there. Ever. It’s a mess – I just haven’t had time to clean it up yet. Joe goes down there in the evenings, to watch TV. One of the cats stays there, hardly ever leaves except to eat. Not very sociable, that one.”

She pointed down the hall at the stairs leading up to the second floor. “And that’s where we sleep – I’m usually up there, if I’m not out back in my library, where I do my research, fill my books.”

Merry has spent much of her retirement filling several dozen oversized three-ring notebooks with documentation of her and Joe’s family histories. Each page is enclosed in a clear plastic sleeve. Birth, Marriage, Death certificates. Yellowing newspaper clippings documenting significant events in the lives of myriad ancestors. Photographs, original, scanned, and printed off the web. Lists at the start of who is covered in each volume.

“This here is my side”, she said with a sweep of her right arm. Pivoting, she pointed, “And over here, Joe’s” She grabbed one off the second shelf. “OK, here’s the Myrons” – the maternal side of Jane and Nancy, and thus Cheryl – “see what I’ve got?” Cheryl leaned over her shoulder as Merry spread the notebook on a table. Outside, the temperature had dropped under fifty, and the faux fireplace had not been turned on. I was glad for my four layers of clothing on top.

Next morning, Merry insisted she lead us in a two-car caravan to Nancy’s rest home. We loaded her and her wheel chair into Merry’s car, and followed in our rental Malibu to the cemetery in Vallonia, where the Myrons have their plot. She regaled us with stories of about each of the permanent residents there, then took us to the site of on old family home.

Cheryl reminisced, “Mom told me she used to ride the train from Hayden here to her grandma’s house. She must have been, what, in middle school then? Things were more free-range for kids back then. Is that house still here?”

Merry answered, “Well, the house is gone, but I can show you where it was. They took it down a while back and put up a trailer there. But the old foundation – we can still see it, I think. I’ve got a picture of that old house and you can see the foundation is just the same.”

We bundled back into the cars as Merry said, “Stay close now, I’m going the back way to Mom’s house, so she can see we haven’t done anything to it while she’s been gone.” She seemed very concerned that we might get lost without her local knowledge. I tried to explain about GPS and map apps. Despite her expert internet sleuthing skills into Anecestry.com and public records, that aspect of the 21st century seemed to have eluded her.

We drove back through the south side of town on Merry’s “back streets”, aiming for the house where Cheryl remembered visiting her Grammie Myron. It sat on a street with a central median. Unlike more upscaled neighborhoods, this street was bisected by the main north-south rail line from Indianapolis to Louisville and points beyond both north and south – Chicago, Nashville, New Orleans. Freight trains rolled through several times a day, reminding Cheryl that her grandfather worked for the railroad, in a station at the center of town.

We parked on the opposite side of the median from Grammie’s house, and stood slack-jawed as bells started clanging, a white and red arm lowered across the road, and a deeply sonorous horn blared as the train slowly approached each cross street on its lumbering trip through town.

Cheryl was ecstatic. “THIS IS SO PERFECT!” she shouted over the rumbling clackety-clack of the six-minute-long passage. She filmed the whole thing, exactly the experience she was hoping for on this return to the “Crossroads of America”.

While Merry and Joe took Nancy back to the Covered Bridge Nursing Home, Cheryl and I meandered through the countryside east of town to visit with Shelly Whitcomb. Cheryl had connected with her prior to our trip, and Shelly effusively offered us a place to stay while we visited Seymour. She is the daughter of former Indiana governor Edgar Whitcomb and inherited the politician’s instinctive gregariousness. Over the years, this seemed to have turned into a buzzy nervousness along with a need to keep the conversation going at all costs.

Shelly offered us non-alcoholic beers and sat us in the sunny corner of the house, inherited from her father.

Twenty-seven years earlier, while on a cross-country bike trip with our kids, we’d stopped in Seymour while Cheryl’s parents flew in from LA. I vividly remembered our time in Hayden, when her father invited us into his house, offering us drinks and stories. I wrote a daily post to the internet on that trip. I found the entry, still up on the internet, and read it to Shelly. She listened raptly, nodding and murmuring, “Yes, yes, oh thanks, that brings back such memories of my dad.”

Conversation turned to Cheryl’s parents, and her desire to find her mom’s old house. In that same journal post, I’d quoted Jane describing the creek out back, “where we’d throw our trash sometimes.”

“Oh yes!” Shelly said. I know exactly where that is, down the street from Dad’s old place.” I pulled up a mapping program on my iPhone (Shelly, unlike Merry, understood immediately), and we pinpointed the location.

Cheryl’s mother Jane and aunt Nancy grew up in the small town of Hayden, a few miles east of Seymour. It remains to this day unaffected by the advance of strip malls, having lost all commercial activity to the larger town. We drove to the hamlet’s crossroads, where a small museum sits next to an abandoned gas station, dated by the preserved bubble top pumps, Next to that sits  the hundred year-old childhood home of Edgar Whitcomb, governor of Indiana from 1969-1973. On our cross-country bike trip in 1997, we visited with Gov. Whitcomb in that very house, which he had bought at age 80 after completing a years-long round-the-world sailing trip. After his death, a memorial to him was erected at the crossroads, celebrating three grand achievements in his life: his “Escape from Corregidor” during World War II (about which he wrote an eponymously titled book); his governorship; and that sailing trip. A remarkable man from a small town to which he returned at the end of his days, like former President Jimmy Carter.

Jane was six years behind Edgar in school, but he greeted her as an old friend. We took photos of us all smiling on his porch, which not changed in the intervening 27 years. We went looking my Jane’s childhood home. We came to a small blue house with an overarching shade tree, tiny green leaves beginning to sprout.

“I don’t know; I remember her house as white…” Cheryl mused as we walked up a slight hill from crossing a dry creek a block from Edgar’s.

“No, they must have painted it, but it’s the same house,” I answered. “See, the ditch out back Shelly told us about. And the portico, the woodwork over the door – it’s just the same as in the picture.” I pulled out my phone and enlarged the photo from the 1 mega-pixel first-generation digital camera we’d used in 1997. It was clearly was the same porch. “Satisfied?” I asked.

Cheryl walked back and forth, eying the best angle for another shot. The warming afternoon sun reminded me of the lazy summer day we’d spent there in ’97. I could sense the start of summer’s humidity, still hiding behind the crisp April afternoon. I imagined a ten-year old Janie Myron, scuffling along beneath the shading chestnuts, elms, and oaks in a pair of Ked’s sneakers, inexpertly tied and showing holes where her still-growing toes were poking poke out. In a thin cotton dress, she arrives at the train station, where a local still ran in the ‘30s, and pays her quarter to travel the 25 miles west through Seymour and Brownstown to her grandma’s house in Vallonia.

There, she’d explore the hills and woods, so different from the flat prairie of Hayden. She might pick up a frog or discover fallen seed clusters from the sugar gum maples. Her grandma had a pitcher of lemonade waiting for her and shared her wonder over the treasures she’d collected. Then back home again, another quarter taking her to that tiny house on Center Street.

Cheryl kept her reveries to herself as we hopped back in the car and took the long way out of town – an extra block or two north, then west, to the site of Jane and Nancy’s grade school, where their mother taught for so many years. A new building stands there now, still the place where local kids learn their ABC’s. The playground has no metal jungle gym or wooden teeter-totter now, the children protected by a soft rubber surface and plastic climbing “fort”. The two-story general store where Edgar Whitcomb wanted to take us for $1.00 turkey sandwiches – “the best you’ll find anywhere, can’t beat the price” – is now boarded up, a victim of Covid and WalMart. Across the street is what appears to be a “tiny house”. Closer inspection reveals the 10 foot by 10 foot structure to be a still-functioning post office. Hayden may be going, but the life ain’t gone. 

********

I checked my watch: 1:47. I put the eclipse glasses on and stared up at the sun. The dull orange disc still appeared perfectly round, no defect yet appearing at its margin.

“Where does it start?” I asked. I turned around, and found myself all alone, the chairs haphazardly lined up at the edge between light and shadow along the one-lane drive leading to the two houses in the Wolter compound. Above, black dot appeared at about 4 o’clock, a little knick which did nothing to quell the rising afternoon heat.

“It’s started!” I yelled. I felt more excited than I had in August of 2017, where we spent twqo days waiting in a makeshift campground on recently mowed ranch land. Thousands of tents and RVs filled the space, extending down the hill to an Air Force base where NASA had set up telescopes and a research station, with Portland TV showing up, hoping for a clear day. We had the same here, a brief cloudless window in a week of stormy weather.

Six days earlier, we’d touched down in Cincinnati, one day after tornadoes and thunderstorms ravaged the Midwest. The following three days were bitterly cold for early April, in the low 40s at best, with on-and-off drizzle and graupel snow. My heart was warm, though, as I toured my childhood home, where I’d lived from ages 1 to 17, and the four following summers. Where I grew up and became most of who I am. I’d come back to search for that child’s life, and try and find what made him the man I’ve become.

********

I’d made a list of what to see, a plan for the two days we’d spend in Cincinnati. This would the way stations on the pilgrimage to my past.

We spent our nights at the Netherland Plaza hotel, full of bygone elegance. Built in 1931, a last gasp of the Roaring 20s before depression and war suppressed Cincinnati’s exuberance and wealth for the next quarter century. This 29-story hotel retains its original elegant art-deco interior. A lively “Palm Court” still hosts a central bar in its huge ballroom space. Heroic murals depict industry and optimism.

The Plaza is dwarfed by the 49 story Carew Tower office building, erected at the same time. Both are clad in light tan brick and share a common wall. The tower is still the highest point in Cincinnati, level with the Seven Hills which rise above the downtown Ohio River flood plain. For me, the Carew Tower was the nerve center of the city, kitty-corner from the Tyler-Davidson fountain, ground zero for any visit to our commercial center.

The once open plaza of Fountain Square is now filled with upscale restaurants, pop-up gazebos, and the Brutalist  Fifth-Third Bank tower, blocking the view to the east. The marble floors of the Netherland Plaza indoor mall no longer echo with clacking steps of shoppers; only a store hawking the MLB Reds and NFL Bengals paraphernalia remains. Outside, the department stores I remembered as the height of haute couture had disappeared: Shillito’s, Pogue’s, McAlpin’s, Alms & Doepke, the Bond, Mabley & Carew, Rollman’s. Seeing that, and the absence of the downtown RKO theaters (The Albee, Palace, and Grand), brought the first realization that “my city was gone.” My job for the next two days was to find the ghost sites where it had been, or see how the places which remained had changed.

I stared at Google Maps with trepidation. Everywhere held foundational memories. Where to start? I decided: scariest one first.

Heading north on Vine Street past Central Parkway, I began to narrate my past to Cheryl. Pointing to the right, at the ornate red brick structure occupying two city blocks, I said, “That’s the Music Hall. From the late 1800s, when there was a LOT of money here. I’d go to the symphony or a show there. Grand staircase, the whole thing. But on the other side of the street, that was a mess. Rickety wooden slums, ugly public housing. Scary.”

The area, while not gentrified, was clean, inviting, as I pointed left to the half-dome of Union Terminal. “That’s where I went a couple of times to take train rides. Huge open ceiling, long concourse bridging over the tracks. It only lasted 30 years, before Interstates and airports took over. Now, it’s full of museums.”

Vine became McMicken, then we angled into McMillan and up the hill. Cold rain splattered the Chevy’s windshield. I turned left at Clifton, passing the turreted façade of Hughes High School.

“That’s Hughes. It was one of the scary schools, like Central, or Taft.” The reader board outside read “Hughes STEM High School.” It had a new life, as the city shrank and schools became magnets. On the right, UC – the University of Cincinnati, where my mother earned her Ph.D. in psychology. Next, Burnet Woods, hiding the Zoo, whose summer Opera divas competed with screeching monkey and laughing hyenas. 

“Cincinnti General Hospital, where I was an intern on the psych ward,” I said. “I came back during December 1973 for an elective in the urgent care clinic,” I said.

“Why?”, Cheryl asked.

“Oh, I was confused. I thought I could reconnect with a girl, but…”

Passing Ludlow Avenue,  I looked left, then right, for the Skyline Chili and the Esquire Theatre – both still in business – I took a Susie for our first date. At least that’s what I remember, although I’m pretty sure it didn’t really happen that way.

Susie Wise lived a mile up Clifton under a deciduous canopy, across the street from Calvary Episcopal Church. We turned onto Warren, one street south of hers, and I pointed out Bobby Reckman’s house.

“He was my debate partner.” We slowed to a crawl and then stopped. I peered to the left of his house. “See that one just behind? The white one with brown trim? Upstairs, that was her window.” I tried to imagine myself up there again, chatting with Susie, sharing our time, becoming friends.

Back out on Clifton, I mused, “It’s just the way I imagined. Or remembered. Walking up that sidewalk, under the trees. Cars going by, just a few.” I didn’t share with Cheryl, the feeling I remembered, being so close to someone who felt so right.” We turned left onto Belsaw, which is a funny lollipop one-way loop. Turning right, I point left, “That’s her house there, the one we saw from the other side?” Coming back around the loop, we stopped in front of 7 Belsaw Place.

The same curving front walk. The same dark wooden door. I imagined the den on the left, the living room with the grand piano to the left, dining room in between. The door we stood in front of for our first hug, our first kiss. You only get one of those, and I could only remember, not relive, those few minutes.

Cheryl dutifully took photos of all the old familiar places. We stopped outside the Ransohoff compound, where cousins Jon and Paul shared a common lawn, a massive private park overlooking the Mill Creek Valley below. “That’s where we had our meetings of the Philosophy club. A bunch of high school seniors who thought themselves the cream of the intellectual crop in our college-prep high school. It was a way for nerds to find prom dates.”

Down the hill, after a pit stop at Kroger’s (they’re everywhere in Cincinnati, the origin and headquarters of the grocery giant), we wended out way northeast to Pleasant Ridge. My world was bounded by Swifton Center, where we marveled at the wonder of a “shopping center”, scores of stores surrounded by acres of parking, and the Cincinnati Garden, where we ice skated, watched  Oscar Robertson and the Royals of the NBA, and annually attended the Shrine Circus. Both were gone, replaced respectively by chock-a-block houses and a gravel field.

We drove down Langdon Farm Road, where the Disable American Veterans had a baseball field in which my Knothole team practiced. Coming to a T intersection, I saw the familiar graveyard. Excited, I said, “There, that’s the Presbyterian Church my father took us to. And here, that’s the fire station. Next to it – yes, that’s my elementary school.”

It had been torn down, the asphalt playground in front replaced by tasteful landscaping, and the two-story red brick building where I spent my first six years of structured learning was now a modern one-story Montessori school, still public. Boatright’s store, where I would buy my baseball cards, and you were allowed to go during lunch if you were in the sixth grade, was now a gravel lot. The next block of Montgomery, the street I’d walk and later ride my bike along to get to school, held no familiar sites, until we got to the corner of Losantiville. A pocket triangular park still filled the space as Losantiville curved around to meet Ridge Road. The nameless memorial, a squat pillar of tan brick, brought back the times I’d wait there for the number 4 bus each morning to take me to Walnut Hills High School, and where I’d hang out in the afternoon before walking home, trying to fit in with the other kids, all older than me, who got off at the same stop.

We parked in a convenience store lot, the United Dairy Farmers.

“I’ve got to stop here. This wasn’t here then, but we went to one on the other side of my neighborhood.”

UDF sold gas now, and inside appeared to carry the same junk food snacks and drinks as thousands of other shops which have sprung up on our roads over the past half-century. But scanning to the right, I saw…a familiar three stem mixer, the kind with stainless steel stems and blades protrudin downwards. A shake machine!

Two hefty, smiling African-American ladies stood behind the counter. One eased over to me as I said, “Do you make malts”

“Yes we do!”

As she scooped out the vanilla ice cream from a tub behind the glass windowed case, and poured in milk and chocolate syrup, then scooped in the malt, she asked, “How’s your day going?”

It all came out. “We’re back here visiting where I grew up, in Pleasant Ridge. It’s been a while. I left in 1966.”

She gave an encouraging laugh.

“Yeah, my father used to take us to United Dairy Farmers. Not this one, ours was over the other side of Golf Manor.”

“That’s not there anymore. They tore it down a couple years ago, replaced it here. More traffic, I guess.”

“He’d buy butter pecan ice cream for my mother, and I’d get a chocolate malt for my treat.”

The pang of memory reached its crescendo when she twisted in a metal sleeve at the top of the paper cup and jammed it up into the mixer. She pulled it down and out before the blade stopped, and I heard a familiar clang as it hit the metal at the top.

She handed it over, saying “I hope it tastes the same.”

I beamed with my first sip. “Just the same. Thank you.”

“You all have a good time,” she said as we walked out into the cold drizzle.

Cheryl and I walked around the triangular block, up Losantiville, right onto Montgomery, and back down Ridge.

“This was where we went to shop in the 50’s,” I explained. “Here was Mullaney’s drugs. We never went there, we went to Feuer’s Rexall, across the street. Here was a small grocery store, the kind you went to before supermarkets. I think it was an A&P. And next to it, the five-and-dime. It had a creaky wood floor, with sawdust underfoot. Over there, the Fifth-Third Bank, where I had my first savings account. And this little store” – I pointed to a small house – “my father took me there once to take back a wallet. He had to make up a story to get them to take it back. I mentioned to hi as we went out, ‘That’s not right, you didn’t tell him you thought it was scratched inside!’ I was confused, because I thought you weren’t supposed to fib. He said, ‘It’s OK. Sometimes time you have to tell a little white lie.’ I asked, ‘What’s a white lie?’ He said, ‘It’s a lie that doesn’t really matter.’ I guess that was the beginning of my downfall.”

Cheryl laughed as we approached the car. Opening her door, she said, “No. You’ve always been a Boy Scout. ‘Always Be Honest’, isn’t that your motto?”

We cruised the mile north on Ridge Road, the houses becoming bigger and farther apart. “There, on the corner…that’s where a family with seven kids lived. And here, on the right, that’s Amberly Village. The rich kids lived there.”

I turned left onto Ridgewood Avenue. The community of Ridgewood is still a tidy little neighborhood. Even 60 years later, the houses remain clean, none of them torn down or remodeled, simply well-maintained The lawns are all green, free of dandelions. Some time warp had stalled all the changes affecting most American communities in the last half-century. I was transported back to 1962, and began remembering all the kids I’d played with. I pointed left then right as we drove by Brackenridge. “Jackie Schlagel, he had polio and walked with a brace on his leg. Scott Heath, he went on to become a doctor. They both lived down this street.” “Down this street” – we turned onto Ridge Circle, a cul-de-sac which served my childhood playground – “that’s the Altmier house. Bobby had a poker game every Friday night. And here were the Hubers, next door to us.”

We stopped, and Cheryl took more pictures, trying to capture the “woods behind the house” and the massive oak tree still present in the far corner of our yard. Two stories down were the Hortons, where Peter, my sister’s first boyfriend, taught me how to whistle with two fingers.

Turning in the circle, I pointed to an unassuming white house. “There, the Prusiners. Paul was in my class. He was a big, clumsy guy, smart, but not as smart as his brother, Stan. HE’s the guy who discoverd prions.”

“Prions?” Cheryl asked.

“Yeah, they’re the infectious proteins that cause mad cow disease. He won the Nobel Prize.”

We turned back onto Ridgewood, driving past my old house. Cheryl made me stop the car. I examined the front yard, a gentle slope I mowed with a push mower, and down which we’d sled in the winter. The pine tree and sycamore which had graced it were both gone, ragged stumps barely noticeable in the lawn.

Driving around the other streets – Cliff Ridge (oddly named, as it is in a valley), Losantaridge, Blue Ridge circle – I catalogued more  names o. The Hunts, with another boyfriend of my sister, Buddy. Chuckie Hedrick, whom my mother thought would make a good friend for me, as he was very smart and self-contained. But his lack of physical coordination kept me from wanting to spend time with him. I envied the more athletic boys, Tommy Bingham and Larry Landfried, both a year older, who live on Ridgewood. Not quite as smart as Chuckie, but at least I could play ball with them.

“My father built a swimming pool in the back yard and put up a basketball hoop  there. Not for us, but for himself. I had this mixture of my mother wanting me to use my quick brain, and my father throwing every kind of ball imaginable to me. It was finally swimming that stuck, when he offered me a transistor radio if I joined the Indian Hill swim team the summer I was 11.”

By now, Cheryl’s eyes had begun to glaze over from all the stories of my childhood, which she had not been a part of. I posed outside of the red door of All Saints’ Episcopal Church, where I had been in the choir and an acolyte, lighting and extinguishing the candles before and after Sunday services. She tolerated my excursions to the homes of Lizzie S. and Carol D. girlfriends before and after Susie. She listened as I rhapsodized about sledding down the hills in French Park, a mile from my house. She enjoyed our excursion to Eden Park, to the Krohn Conservatory where my family went on Christmas Day to see the massive decorated tree reaching to the skylights of  the steamy greenhouse. And she relished the massive Cincinnati Art Museum, set on a hilltop looking down on the city to one side and the Ohio River to the other.

********

The tip of the moon reached nearly halfway across the sun’s yellow face, which appeared to be a fiery Pac-Man bent on devouring our comforting satellite.

“It’s eating it up,” Merry chuckled.

I thought of the journeys we’d just made to our pasts, the signposts held in memory slowly disappearing. House still remained yet seemed smaller. Forested gullies had been flattened into strip malls, economic energy devouring the prairies and the woods of our imagination. I leaned back, and said to the sun, “Don’t leave us! We need you! I love your warmth, how it feels on my face, my skin! Without you, we have nothing, nothing here at all.”

Nancy, freed for the afternoon from her incarceration at the Covered Bridge nursing home, wore her eclipse glasses askew. “Don’t you think it’s remarkable that the best spot for seeing this is right here, in front of your own house, with your children around you?” I asked.

“Oh, yes.” The words came slowly, deliberately. “It’s special. I never would have thought…”

 Above, the moon’s darkness had taken over, leaving only a sliver of brightness, the paired orbs almost overlapping.

“Look, a crescent sun!” said Merry. Joe chuckled, amused at the transformation taking place.

Cheryl reached over and squeezed my arms. “Thank you for setting this up,” she whispered.

“Well, it was your idea to come out here. You made it happen.”

A small dot remained at 10 o’clock. Then it winked out. The air turned cool, no radiation beaming at us anymore. A breeze picked up, and the sky went to twilight.

Whipping off my glasses, I pulled out my phone, and shot a 360-degree video the sunset surrounding us. Then I sat down and spent the next two minutes transfixed by absence of light above, the complete and utter blackness of the moon I knew was there but couldn’t see. A shiver passed from my arms through my chest then down my legs, one of awe more than actual cold. My mind a blank, I accepted the wonder, and waited for the light to return.

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Eclipsed

Merry glanced up at the TV, which had been on continuously since nine AM. “We’ve got time,” Merry said. “They said the Eclipse starts at 3:04”

“Uh, no. The moon begins to cross the sun at 1:49.” I worried our hosts didn’t grasp the nature of the phenomenon. “You don’t want to miss that. It moves slowly, takes over an hour to get full, when the sun goes completely dark.”

Merry blinked twice, absorbing that concept. She lives with her husband Joe in his mother’s house, moving back to Seymour, Indiana when Nancy, nearly 92, showed signs of more rapid aging. Joe wanted to make sure he’d be there if his mother needed anything, and to lay his claim to the farmhouse at the edge of town. His sister Julie lived next door with one of her daughters and her other, Amy, just a short walk away.

“Well, what time should we be getting Nancy then?” Merry rasped, mixing her laugh with a classic smoker’s cough.

Julie put in, “Where should we take her? Amy’s having an Eclipse party with her friends. She said they’d already started on the beer.”

I said, “Don’t you think it would be cool if Nancy could see it right in front of her own home?” Nancy had been in a nursing home for several months ever since she’d fallen and broken her right arm and left scapula in two separate falls a month apart. We’d come out to the Midwest to see Cheryl’s aunt, our “last remaining elder”, and I didn’t want that visit to be blurred by loud, slurring youngsters, stepping all over an awesome event like this Eclipse. I’d seen one seven years earlier in Oregon with thousands of others camped out on a farmer’s field and knew that, while it seemed like an excuse for a party, it was probably better viewed in relaxation and peace.

I went on. “I checked out the driveway. We could set up there, it’s shady with the trees on the left, and an open view to where the sun will be this afternoon.”

Joe piped up, “Well, let’s go get some chairs, then.” Joe rolled his stout form out the door, leading up to a covered concrete patio at the back of the house. He walked by a webbed folding beach chair and began to untangle some sturdier ones with metal armrests.
            “Those are perfect,” I said, noting the rounded back rests, high enough to support our heads as they tilted back during the final climax.

Joe’s hands and arms carry the stiffness and scars of a life lived first as a Marine, then in factory jobs. His fists are permanently balled, the fingers lumpy stubs. Still, he was able to grab one chair in each hand, while I stacked two together. Along with Merry and Cheryl we quickly created a little gallery under the elm tree out front, its distant branches flecked with tiny leaves about to unfurl in the rapidly warming Midwest spring.

“See? Perfect spot here. Just enough shade from the side, clear view to the southwest there.” I pointed towards Highway 31, the occasional semi blasting past, interspersed with cars headed to the airport, where a Louisville TV station had set up its Eclipse headquarters. Seymour had been discovered as the closest viewing locale with sufficient infrastructure for a major event. Motels had doubled their prices, the Chevy dealer offered free hot dogs, and the local tractor store provided seats on its machines to visitors, all seeking to capitalize on the happy accident of geography which put them underneath the curving route of totality.

I checked my watch: 1:47. I put the eclipse glasses on and stared up at the sun the dull orange disc still perfectly round, no defect yet appearing at its margin.

“Where does it start?” I asked. I turned around, and found myself all alone, the chairs haphazardly lined up at the edge between light and shadow along the one-lane drive leading to the two houses in the Wolter compound. I looked back at the sun and noticed a black dot appearing at about 4 o’clock, a little knick which did nothing to quell the rising afternoon heat.

“It’s started!” I yelled. I felt more excited than I had in August of 2017, when the wonder began two days after we’d arrived at a makeshift campground on recently mowed ranch land. Thousands of tents and RVs filled the space, extending down the hill to an Air Force base where NASA had set up telescopes and a research station, with Portland TV showing up, hoping for a clear day. We had the same here, a brief cloudless window in a week of stormy weather.

Six days earlier, we’d touched down in Cincinnati, one day after tornadoes and thunderstorms ravaged the Midwest. The following three days were bitterly cold for early April, in the low 40s at best, with on-and-off drizzle and even some snow at night. My heart was warm, though, as I toured my childhood home, where I’d lived from ages 1 to 17, and the four following summers. Where I grew up and became most of who I am. I’d come back to search for that child’s life, and try and find what made him the man I’ve become.

The tip of the moon reached nearly halfway across the sun’s yellow face, a fiery Pac-Man bent on devouring our comforting satellite.

“That ol’ moon is just eating the sun right up,” Merry chuckled.

I thought of the journeys we’d just made to our pasts, the signposts held in memory slowly disappearing. In Cincinnati, houses still remained yet seemed smaller. Forested gullies had been flattened into strip malls, economic energy devouring the prairies and the woods of our imagination. I looked back up, and said to the sun, “Don’t leave us! We need you! I love your warmth, how it feels on my face, my skin! Without you, we have nothing, nothing here at all.”

I looked over at Nancy, freed for the afternoon from her incarceration in the Covered Bridge nursing home. “Don’t you think it’s remarkable that the best spot for seeing this is right here, in front of your own house, with your children around you?” I asked.

“Oh, yes.” The words came slowly, deliberately. “It’s special. I never would have thought…”

I looked back at the paired orbs above. The moon’s darkness now took over, leaving only a sliver of brightness.

“Look, a crescent sun!” said Merry. Joe chuckled, amused at the transformation taking place.

Cheryl reached over and squeezed my arms. “Thank you for setting this up,” she whispered.

“Well, it was your idea to come out here. You made it happen.”

A small dot remained at 10 o’clock. Then it winked out. The air turned cool, no radiation beaming at us anymore. A breeze picked up, and the sky went to twilight.

Whipping off my glasses, I pulled out my phone, and shot a 360-degree video. The flat horizon surrounding us glowed yellow to pink to purple, a sunset everywhere I looked. I sat down and spent the next two minutes transfixed by absence of light above, the complete and utter blackness of the moon I knew was there but couldn’t see. A shiver passed from my arms through my chest then down my legs, a feeling of awe more than actual cold. My mind a blank, I accepted the wonder, and waited for the light to return.

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Prostate Margins

Someone on Mayo Clinic Prostate chat group asked about cancer found to the margin on the prostate. I wrote:

A year ago I had a robotic radical prostatectomy. Immediately after, while I was still groggy on narcotics, the surgeon told me he found some “sticky” tissue at the margins and scraped some extra material out beyond the prostate because of that. With current medical records transparency, I saw the pathology report before speaking with the surgeon. It noted Gleason 4+3, level 3/5, with positive margins. There were also numerous sections examined described as “fibroadipose, vascular and muscular tissue” from the medial margin and base, which were free of cancer. And about a dozen lymph nodes were removed, free of cancer.

During my first post op visit, he was able to clarify all this. “Sticky” is his vernacular for tissue that looks and acts like cancer. He saw it was at the edges of the prostate, so he scrapped/cut more tissue away from the pelvic sidewall in those areas. I asked if I’d need hormone therapy or radiation, and he said, “Let’s wait and see what the PSAs show.” Meaning, over time, is there biochemical evidence cancer remained and is growing. So far, a year later, all my PSAs are “undetectable”.

I think this is one area where robotic is clearly superior to open RP. The operative field is visualized in greater detail, magnified if you will, and a conscientious surgeon can see better and do more than with the naked eye, or even loupes over their glasses.

Ask your surgeon if they were aware of the margin spots at the time of the RP, and if so, what they did about it.

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I Hate To Run

In the New York Times today, an opinion piece appeared entitled “I Hate Running. I Trick My Brain Into Doing It Anyway.” That’s me! I had to comment:

I’m glad I’m not alone. I started running at age 50 in order to participate in a sprint triathlon. I hadn’t run a step since age 12, when I went 3 times around a track for a Boy Scout merit badge. Ever since, I’d viewed running as a sweaty, joint-destroying, asthenic activity filled with misguided romantics.

Unfortunately during that triathlon (which was supposed to be “one-and-done”), I discovered that due to my size (5’10”, 148#), I was good at it, and thus successful at the triathlon. So commenced a 20+ year career with multiple Ironman races and stops in Kona, Hawaii and Boston. I gained lots of friends who do “ultras”, 100- 200-300 mile “races”. 

But I never did learn to like running. I still have to convince myself EVERY time to go out the door. My two “tricks” are: make an appointment in advance and have a goal race to work towards. Otherwise, it does not happen.

I have no trouble – I even look forward to – weight lifting, cycling, swimming, downhill skiing, hiking. But running? It remains in my mind a pursuit of excessively lean aesthetes who seem to relish the aches, sweat, hunger and thirst involved with hopping from one foot to another for hours on end.

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Climacturia

I started to experience Climacturia and Arousal Leakage a few months after my prostatectomy.  I first noticed it when I was still working on controlling urine leakage and thus quite conscious of anything which would trigger a spurt. On occasion when I would hug my wife, I felt the start of a little leakage!  We would be having a full-body, prolonged squeeze and out would come a bit of pee. It was NOT due to pressure on the bladder, but rather associated with a warm feeling of love. Then I noticed it when trying to masturbate to orgasm, which I had begun as part of my penile rehabilitation. Simultaneously, I heard about climacturia on “The Penis Project”, a podcast from Australia about recovering bladder and sexual function from radical prostatectomy. Here are a couple of links I found:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7705983/ (Their literature review showed an estimated 30% prevalence after RP.)

Six months ago, I bought a Firm Tech, the more expensive model with an internal sensor designed to detect nocturnal erections. I was interested in whether my penile rehab was working to help me regain the natural blood flow which they provide. (I’m happy to say they have returned.) The key point here is that the Firm Tech is NOT like other cock rings in that it can be worn for extended periods of time, e.g., all night. It is softer, more pliable than other rings.

Now, why might the Firm Tech help with climacturia? What follows is my own speculation – I have no data or scientific studies to verify this theory. Why does climacturia happen? And why doesn’t it happen with the prostate in place? During orgasm, the sperm are ejected through the tubes which carry them from the testes eventually to the urethra and out of the penis, along with the prostatic and seminal fluid in which they are suspended. That happens because of smooth muscle contractions in vessels like the urethra, seminal vesicles, vas deferens, and prostate. With a prostate, urine as kept nicely in the bladder, and only the urethra might have a few drops in it, which would not be noticeable along with semen. But after RP, the bladder can more easily leak urine into the urethra, and with the automatic orgasmic contractions still occurring, out it comes. The Firm Tech is “firm” enough to squeeze off the urethra (which runs on the underside of the penis), so it theoretically can stop *most* of the orgasmic urine loss. 

I’ve found that not only emptying the bladder, but milking the penis afterwards to get out those last few drops, helps greatly reduce or even eliminate the climacturia.

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Sea of Tranquility

Emily St. John Mandel’s Sea of Tranquility is a compact, complex romp through time and space. Beginning in England, 1912, she sends Edwin St. John St. Andrew (no relation!) to Canada after he embarrasses his parents at a dinner party for being colonialists in south Asia. (He was born a century too early.) His status as third son means he inherits no property from them, so he willingly takes their remittance, and proceeds to languish in the new world, eventually alighting on Vancouver Island, where he witnesses a strange phenomenon in a primeval forest. He sees a vast a train station-like interior superimposed on the majestic maple in front of him, accompanied by a low whooshing noise. This odd encounter, lasting only a second, serves as the core of Mandel’s story.

Stretching forward to the present day, then on to a moon colony in the 23rd and 25th centuries, she weaves in a pair of childhood friends who have lost their husbands to a Ponzi scheme, a wildly successful novelist on a book tour, and another aimless young man who finds a purpose in life at the Time Institute in 2401.

At that point, these stories, disparate in time and place, begin to coalesce as Gaspery-Jacques seeks out his sister Zoey and insinuates himself into her work. At the Institute, she is trying to disprove that all of human existence is merely a simulation in some massive cosmic computer. Gaspery trains for years to travel through time so he can investigate the origin of this theory.

The essence of Sea of Tranquility lies not in the speculative fiction bed in which she’s planted her tale. Rather, the people, their very human plans and foibles, are her interest. We learn nothing about the mechanics of time travel, except that an iPhone-like device and a large, undescribed machine are involved. The computer simulation question is another MacGuffin she uses to set the plot in motion, and then leaves suspended, unanswered.

Mandel’s writing reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut, who sometimes used the trappings of science fiction in service of his plots. His prose is equally succinct and readable. They both pare down their writing so the plot never stalls, without the use of artificial twists to pique a reader’s interest. Mandel goes him one further by expertly weaving her several stories neatly together, offering just enough information at key points to keep us informed and engaged.

A quick, immersive read.

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Birnam Wood

In Eleanor Catton’s Birnam Wood, three young New Zealanders and a middle-aged American billionaire have interwoven plans for a vacant ranch on the South Island, at the base of the (fictional) Korowai National Park.

Mira Bunting, a 29-year-old horticultural student, founded a guerilla collective, Birnam Wood, which plants veggies on otherwise unused parcels of land. Her sidekick, Shelley Noakes, provides organizational nous and stability to Mira’s headstrong activism. Tony Gallo, who left soon after the group began has returned, hoping to rekindle an imagined romance with Mira and kick-start a journalism career.

After learning that the ranch in question, belonging to the recently knighted Owen Darvish and his wife Judy, has been effectively abandoned while Darvish pursues his pest control business on the North Island, Mira investigates the planting possibilities on the Darvish property. There she accidently meets Robert Lemoine, who has made a fortune in various tech companies, most recently a drone business. He, too, has plans for the land, but they don’t involve seedlings or fertilizer.

Mira and Lemoine quickly form a partnership. Lemoine offers money to the group, hoping to use them as a cover for his mysterious activities. Mira sees the funding as a kickstarter towards respectability and a sustainable proposition.

At the hui – a leaderless meeting of the collective, held in a circle – to announce Lemoine’s offer, Tony re-appears and proceeds to burn his bridges with the gang through a multi-page rant against capitalism, environmental depredation, intersectionality, and neoliberalism. In other words, he’s an angry young Marxist without a compass.

Each of these protagonists changes as their individual agendas collide and they evolve into fully drawn complex personalities. Each of the heroes also has at least one foot of clay. Mira is a scheming, ambitious idealist. Shelley is a frustrated second banana who benefits from the loyalty she has shown to Mira and her project. Lemoine appears at first to be in the game for fun, but his lack of transparency and unlimited resources foreshadow a darker side.

Tony may be the most complex character. He is introduced as a shy romantic, reveals a dissatisfaction with most aspects of modern society, then proceeds to show remarkable resilience and ingenuity as he tracks Lemoine’s plans to their deadly end.

Catton’s writing is fluid, easily digested most of the time. But every so often, she crams multiple ideas into one sentence, comma after comma stretching for 100 words or more through the depth of an almost undecipherable paragraph. And, two-thirds of the way through the book, Mira and Shelley, after speaking with intelligence and maturity up till then, begin to throw “like” into every other sentence. This tic comes and goes for a while, and then disappears.

The tale is well-constructed. Catton is economical in the way she provides new information and action which drives the narrative to its racing conclusion. What starts out as a gentle exploration of flower children trying to change the world one planting at a time becomes a page-turning thriller when the truth of Lemoine’s activities is discovered by Tony.

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Visitation

CyberViewX v5.16.80 Model Code=89 F/W Version=1.07

[Final Draft]

“He likes to argue, doesn’t he?” Julana asked.

“He was on the debate team in high school. It’s hard sometimes…” Cheryl responded.

“Hard?”

“He always has to have the last word.”

Julana looked over at Michael. We were having a farewell dinner, September 2019, before they left for another six months in Spain with their daughter, granddaughter, and son-in-law. Each time we saw them, we didn’t know if it would be the last.

Michael stroked his beard, his smile lighting up the dark-paneled restaurant. “Why’d you join the debate team?” he prodded. “Trying to pick up girls?”

“Funny you should mention it…” I replied. Strobes of long buried scenes flashed up through my past, burbling out to be told. “I did meet my first girlfriend, my first real girlfriend because of that.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Really?” He looked over at Cheryl. “Did you know about this?”

She laughed. “That’s what he tells me.”

Michael turned back to me. “I bet there’s a story there…”

One I hadn’t thought about, much less told, in years – decades, maybe. I felt the embers re-appearing from underneath the ash pile of my history.

Two girls, Carol Downs and Susie Wise, appeared one night while the team practiced for our up-coming regional tournament. Our advisor, Miss Flory, let them in to her little apartment.           

“They wanted to be our cheerleaders,” I told Michael. “They made these timecards, paisley fabric glued onto small white cardboard. They thought the football, the basketball teams were getting so much attention. But since our school was college prep, they thought the intellectual competition of debate deserved equal treatment. So they wanted to be our timekeepers.”

“And where did that go?”

“Once I finally figured out that Susie was interested in me, we started going out, and kept it up throughout college, until I went to USC for medical school. Susie had one more year at Radcliffe. I stayed in LA, she stayed back east.”

Julana looked at Cheryl. “That’s where he met you, right?” The subject changed, and we shared our origin stories as couples. Cheryl and I flirting on the night shift on the LA County Hospital labor and delivery unit, Michael chasing Julana to Kentucky after getting a fleeting glimpse of her at his brother’s house.

I’d seriously reminisced of Susie only once in the previous 35 years, ever since I learned of her death at age 35 from leukemia. Memories of her drifted far below my conscious thoughts until I went to Boston in 2005 to race the marathon. I visited her grave, had a good cry, wrote a story about it, then heard no more from her memories. Until Michael asked that question. Over the next five months, she pounded on the door I had closed over her, insisting I pay attention to her story, get it out of me and into the world.

********

The next month, I prepared for the Hawaii Ironman, mid-October. Following that, back to the triathlon grind for Ironman Arizona, mid-November. My brain had no bandwidth for the past, only the immediate future of finishing my triathlon career on a high note. I won my age group in Tempe for the 4th time, securing a ticket back to Kona for what I planned as my absolute last and final Ironman.

Returning from Arizona, I plopped in front of the TV, and watched the latest Jack Ryan series on Amazon Prime. In it, John Kasinski and Wendell Pierce traveled to Venezuela, CIA agents trying to reinvigorate the democracy there by ensuring a female candidate for President would stay alive and win. Midway through the seventh episode, as she leaves her house the night of her victory, the candidate, Gloria Bonalde stares in wonder as her driveway fills up with supporters, cheering the overthrow of the defeated autocrat. Her two children trail behind, shepherded by her chief aide Valentina, played by Columbian actress Paula Castaño. They are seen out of focus in the background several times for a split second as the camera shifts from Bonalde to what she sees. Then, another quick take features Valentina and the kids, in full focus, smiling and nodding in wonder. Castaño appears ready to cry with joy. She is wearing a simple white top, covered by a gray pants suit. Her dark, wavy hair is parted on the left. At the instant of her mouth opening, I caught a sudden rush of Susie’s image careening back into view. The eyebrows, the shape of her cheeks, the set of her hair, the smile of wonderment and knowledge – she was there once again in my mind.

And she wouldn’t go away this time. As days went on, I kept remembering who she was, how accomplished she had been, how lucky I was to have known her, to have her teach me. I didn’t know it right away, but she began demanding more and more of my attention.

********

In the winter, Cheryl and I spend many evenings in front of our Vermont Castings Reliant stove, warmed by a fire from logs I have split the year before. In early December, we began discussing love, how it happens, why it leaves. I remembered a poem I had written about that, five decades before. I searched for the folders which preserved the writing I had done in in my late teens and early twenties. 

First, I checked under the sink in the mud room – I had not stored them there. Next, down in the basement, on metal shelves next to my collection of old skis and discarded Christmas decorations, I found the yellow cardboard container, and brought it back upstairs.

Sifting through the box in front of the fire, I found it filled with forgotten memories. Not only poems, but papers I had written in college, sporadic attempts at journaling, a few newspaper clippings, and other detritus of my past I refused to discard.

I had burned the letters Susie had written before we parted, but discovered several I’d saved from after we split up, along with one or two which escaped the fire. And a letter from her mother to mine, after Susie’s death, sketching her last few years. These along with the journal entries ripped off the encrustations my brain had placed over Susie, and she escaped fully into my consciousness.

I began to think about her, unbidden, at all hours of day or night. I began to see bits of her in any woman with long dark hair. I began to wonder, What am I supposed to do with this, these poems I wrote to and about her, these letters she sent after we ended our love, these messages I scribed to my future self about what happened and how I felt back then, November 1965 to September 1970.

I found a birthday card she had created, a sheet of colored construction paper. She sent it from spring break in Cincinnati, 1970, after visiting me while I spent that winter skiing in Snowmass. Her tiny writing filled every inch not covered by a collage of pictures cut from ski magazines. She listed every secret phrase or joke we’d shared, every place we’d shared. She acknowledged her love for me, even though we both knew we were already separating.

I’d saved other little tidbits from her. Four poems she wrote to me when we first got together. Comments on a clipped “Ask Ann Landers” column. A ticket stub or two from plays we’d seen. It was all too much, and I started crying, not knowing I still had those feelings left in me. It was not nostalgia; it was the actual return of her into my life.

While Cheryl and I spent those December evenings by the wood stove, cheering and warming ourselves through the dark, damp drizzerable season surrounding the holidays, she read her books, browsed the internet, and luxuriated in the heat. I pawed through that box, reading and re-reading the poems, letters, and journal jottings, creating cascading thoughts about the five years I spent with Susie. Inside my brain, those thoughts had no landing lights, no place to settle and attach to a story I thought was finished.

As the New Year came, and holiday excursions no longer saved me from the growing obsession, I frantically tried to stop the intrusion. I felt possessed by her, or at least the memory of her face, her laugh, her love. I wanted those thoughts gone back to wherever I had buried them, but I couldn’t find the cemetery they’d escaped from, no headstone or open grave to guide me back to sanity.

The first week of January, I tried writing her out of my thoughts, transferring what I remembered to document and preserve her spirit on the page, where it could live outside my mind. My plan: put it all down on “paper”, and I could return to it when I wanted, knowing it wouldn’t leave. I got two chapters in and lost the plot immediately. She consumed my thoughts in a way nothing ever has before.

Since the mid ‘90s, I had been documenting my daily physical “activities” – training exercise, workout, it’s all the same. First on an Aspen photo calendar and in a small reporter’s notebook, later on computer apps. Looking back on the first quarter of 2020, there’s a gap in the recording I did in a training diary, from January 16 to February 23rd. I know I kept the activity up, as my smart watch faithfully kept track and uploaded the data to Strava. But the training diary I wrote in every day – the only other gap since 2007 was after my bike accident in fall 2010, when I was physically unable to either do any training or write on a keyboard. This obsession with a long-dead girl had crowded out my other life, threatening my sanity.

On January 12th, I checked out a therapy site I’d heard advertised on NPR the day before – BetterHelp.com. I signed up and several days later I got the courage to request an online visit with a therapist for the following week.

A few days later, while Cheryl and I were preparing dinner, I got a mysterious urge to hear the Bob Dylan song, “Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right.” Susie and I had each brought a predilection for Dylan into our relationship. More than the contemporaneous Beatles, his combination of social justice anthems and oddly evocative love songs resonated with each of us. That evening in the kitchen I searched for it on Apple Music. After hearing Dylan’s version, I clicked on another which appeared in the list, by someone I’d never heard of, Kesha. She gave a dirge-like rendition accompanied only by a cello, her voice continually cracking as if she were on the verge of crying.

I heard the words for the first time from a woman’s perspective, specifically as if Susie were trying to explain to me what she was thinking and doing when she drove out with me to Los Angeles as I started medical school there. That she was willing to travel cross-country with me I see now had given me subliminal hope that we might be able to continue a long-distance relationship. In retrospect, that clearly was not on her mind. She literally got out of our bed and left me behind. “You’re the reason I’m traveling on. Don’t think twice it’s all right.” She had given me her heart, but I wanted her soul, Kesha was telling me.

That song appeared on an album called Chimes of Freedom: The Songs of Bob Dylan Honoring 50 Years of Amnesty International. Four discs holding 76 covers by artists as well known to me as Joan Baez and Jackson Browne, and as unknown as Kesha and Darren Criss. As varied as Ziggy Marley, Adele, and Johnny Cash. Dylan’s songs new and old flew past as I scrolled the list, and randomly lit on one I didn’t know, “I’ll Remember You”. I see now that choice was not random, the title was exactly what I was doing. Thea Gilmore, along with an acoustic guitar, stand-up bass, and lonely trumpet, started out, “I’ll remember you when I’ve forgotten all the rest”. From the end of life, looking back at all s/he’s known, she sings “Though I’d never say that I’d done it the way that you’d have liked me too, in the end, my dear sweet friend, I’ll remember you.”

I began to think my obsessive thoughts were not coming from within but brought in by some cosmic link reconnecting me to Susie. My hold on reality, on the belief that I controlled my thoughts, my actions, began to loosen. Over the next two months, while I skied in Colorado, baby-sat our granddaughter (who was born on Susie’s birthday), and kept busy training for the upcoming triathlon season, I continued to get messages from other songs, images from other people who resembled her which accelerated the disruption. I eventually decided to live with the mild insanity, cancelling the therapy appointment.

I spent a few days alone in Snowmass skiing and listening to maudlin music. I started compiling those songs into a table of contents for a massive story I would tell, about winning and losing Susie and then finding Cheryl, how all that created the person I have become. I tried explaining this to Cheryl on the phone, but I kept leaving out anything related to the girl who came before. It was very important to me to not lose the most important person in my life, my wife of forty-some years, my best friend, and the mother of my children.

I was scared. Scared because I was not in control on my own thoughts. I had two choices: either I was going crazy, or I was being visited, haunted, by a ghost. I chose the latter, even though a part of me strongly suspects that is not possible. I made that choice because it was too scary to think I was losing control of my mind. 

Back home, being around Cheryl again brought stability. We spent a week in mid-February skiing with family, and I felt grounded once again. Returning home, as the drum beat of the novel coronavirus increased and people began to question the risk of their daily routines, I threw myself into a neglected project, compiling blog posts of my early triathlon journey into a book for sale on Amazon, I Really Wanna Go To Kona.

All this activity had failed to completely silence the external voice in my head. Not one I could hear as if it were speaking, but one that was trying to possess me, to insist that it had a story to tell, and needed to get it out in the world before I was no longer able to help. I could see the entirety of the tale, knew how it started (those paisley time cards), how it proceeded (Susie left me), and how it ended (she died.) The day after I clicked the button to publish my Kona tales, I started writing.

I began on March 8, not in my own voice, but in that of Susie’s, our relationship told from her point of view. I have no explanation for why that happened. But once I switched perspectives, once I let her tell the story, the words came easily.  Everyday, as the country began to shut down, I sat at my computer and wrote for 60 to 90 minutes, a thousand words or more, chronologically from November 1965 to May 1984. The last fifteen years I could not rely on my own memories, only on the few letters I’d saved, the brief note from her mother, and scientific articles on which she had been a co-author. Those fifteen years flowed as easily as the first five, and I was done in mid-August.

Along the way, I learned as I never had before who I was. I learned I was lovable. I was reminded about the foundation of a loving relationship, the ability to give up oneself in favor of a new duality. In April 2022, after editing, pruning, and refining, I publish Love Rhymes. I ended it with a poem, thanking Susie for what she brought me twice in this life.

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Visitation – II

[First Draft!]

The next month, I prepared for the Hawaii Ironman, mid-October. Following that, back to the triathlon grind for Ironman Arizona, mid-November. My brain had no bandwidth for the past, only the immediate future of finishing my Ironman career on a high note. I won my age group in Tempe for the 4th time, securing a ticket back to Kona for what I planned as my absolute last and final Ironman.

Returning from Arizona, I plopped in front of the TV, and watched the latest Jack Ryan series on Amazon Prime. In it, John Kasinski and Wendell Pierce traveled to Venezuela, CIA agents trying to return democracy by ensuring a female candidate for President would stay alive and win. As she leaves her house the night of her victory, Gloria Bonalde stares in wonder as her driveway fills up with supporters, cheering the overthrow of the defeated autocrat. Her two children trail behind, shepherded by her chief aide Valentina, played by Columbian actress Paula Castaño. They are seen out of focus in the background several times for a split second as the camera shifts from Bonalde to what she sees. Then, another quick take features Valentina and the kids, in full focus, smiling and nodding in wonder. Castaño appears ready to cry with joy. She is wearing a simple white top, covered by a gray pants suit. Her dark, wavy hair is parted on the left. At the instant of her mouth opening, I caught a sudden rush of Susie’s image careening back into view. The eyebrows, the shape of her cheeks, the set of her hair, the smile of wonderment and knowledge – she was there once again in my mind.

And she wouldn’t go away this time. As days went on, I kept remembering who she was, how accomplished she had been, how lucky I was to have known her, to have her teach me. I didn’t know it right away, but she began demanding more and more of my attention.

********

In the winter, Cheryl and I spend many evenings in front of our Vermont Castings Reliant stove, warmed by a fire from the logs I have split the year before. In early December, we began discussing love, how it happens, why it leaves. I remembered a poem I had written about that, five decades before. I searched for the box and folders which preserved the writing I had done in highs school, college, five years after. First, I checked under the sink in the mud room – I had not stored them there.

Next, down in the basement, on metal shelves next to my collection of old skis and discarded Christmas decorations, I found the yellow cardboard container, and brought it back upstairs.

I found it filled with forgotten memories. Not only poems, but papers I had written in college, sporadic attempts at journaling, a few newspaper clippings, and other detritus of my past I refused to discard.

I had burned the letters Susie had written before we parted, but discovered several I’d saved from we split up, along with one or two which escaped the fire. And a letter from her mother to mine, after Susie’s death, sketching her last few years. These, along with the journal entries, ripped off the encrustations my brain had placed over Susie, and she escaped fully into my consciousness.

I began to think about her, unbidden, at all hours of day or night. I began to see bits of her in any woman with long dark hair. I began to wonder, What am I supposed to do with this, these poems I wrote to and about her, these letters she sent after we ended our love, these message I scribed to my future self about what happened and how I felt back then, November 1965 to September 1970.

I found a birthday card she had created, a sheet of colored construction paper. She sent it from spring break in Cincinnati, 1970, after visiting me while I spent that winter skiing in Snowmass. He tiny writing filled every inch not covered by a collage of pictures cut from ski magazine. She seemed to list every secret phrase or joke we’d shared, seemed to still wonder about her love for me, even though I knew we were already separating.I’d saved other little tidbits from her. Four poems she wrote to me when we first got together. Comments on a clipped “Ask Ann Landers” column. A ticket stub or two from plays we’d seen. It was all too much, and I started crying, not knowing I still had those feelings left in me. It was not nostalgia, it was the actual return of her into my life.

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Visitation – I

“He likes to argue, doesn’t he?” Julana asked.

“He was on the debate team in high school. It’s hard sometimes…” Cheryl responded.

“Hard?”

“He always has to have the last word.”

Julana looked over at Michael. We were having a farewell dinner, September 2019, before they left for another six months in Spain with their daughter, granddaughter, and son-in-law. Each time we saw them, we didn’t know if it would be the last.

Michael stroked his beard, his smile lighting up the dark-paneled restaurant. “Why’d you join the debate team?” he prodded. “Trying to pick up girls?”

“Funny you should mention it…” I replied. Strobes of long buried scenes flashed up through my past, burbling out to be told. “I did meet my first girlfriend, my first real girlfriend because of that.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Really?” He looked over at Cheryl. “Did you know about this?”

She laughed. “That’s what he tells me.”

Michael turned back to me. “I bet there’s a story there, right.”

One I hadn’t thought about, much less told, in years – decades, maybe. I felt the embers re-appearing from underneath the ash pile of my history.

Two girls, Carol Downs and Susie Wise, appearing one night while the team practiced for our up-coming regional tournament. Our advisor, Miss Flory, let them in to her little apartment.         

“They wanted to be our cheerleaders,” I told Michael. “They made these timecards, paisley fabric glued on to small white cardboard. They thought the football, the basketball teams were getting so much attention. But our school was college prep, they thought the intellectual competition of debate deserve equal treatment. So they wanted to be our timekeepers.”

“And where did that go?”

“Once I finally figured out that Susie was interested in me, we started going out, and kept it up throughout college, until I went to USC for medical school. Susie had one more year at Radcliffe. I stayed in LA, she stayed back east.”

Julana looked at Cheryl. “That’s where he met you, right?” The subject changed, and we shared our origin stories as couples. Cheryl and I flirting on the night shift on the LA County Hospital labor and delivery unit, Michael chasing Julana to Kentucky after getting a fleeting glimpse of her at his brother’s house.

I’d seriously reminisced of Susie only once in the previous 35 years, ever since I learned of her death at age 35 from leukemia. Memories of her drifted far below my conscious thoughts until I went to Boston to race the marathon. I visited her grave, had a good cry, wrote a story about it, heard no more from her. Until Michael asked that question. Over the next five months, she pounded on the door I had closed over her, insisting I pay attention to her story, get it out of me and into the world.

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