!!!!!*****WORKING DRAFT*****!!!!!
Esther, older married Esther, was right of course. First thing Monday morning, I called for an appointment at the campus health center, telling them I wanted to get my ears pierced. I didn’t have the nerve to give the real reason; I decided I could bring it up when the doctor was punching holes in my lobes. I walked out with a stud on each side and a prescription for Enovid, thinking to myself, “Well, Sarah Jane Stein, you’re officially grown up now.”
I waited with some trepidation for my period, so I could start the pills a week later, and get this whole thing over with. Finally, on Pearl Harbor Day, it came. The next Thursday, I opened the little pack, popped out the first pill, and contemplated where I was going with this. I had not told Michael anything yet, so this was all on me. Was it what I wanted? I put the pill down on the copy of St. Augustine’s Confessions I was reviewing for the term paper I’d write that night. I went across the hall to Jeanne’s room, finding her with Marcie, reviewing flash cards for their biology final the next day.
“Uh, can I talk to you guys?” I asked, closing the door behind me.
Jeanne seemed a bit put off. “Better be important. This Bio test is the difference between an A and a B for me.”
Marcia knew I’d gotten the pills, and had my period, so she jumped in. “Is today the day? Did you take it yet?”
I slumped down on the bed next to her, leaned over, and started sniffling, feeling like I was ready to cry. I rested my head on her shoulder. She patted it, stroking my hair. Shaking, crying, I couldn’t say anything.
“I know, I know. It is a big deal. You want it to be right.” Marcia kept up a quiet reassuring patter while my sobbing came to an end. “Have you talked with him about it?”
Collected again, I sat up and said, “This Friday, he’s coming up. He’s flying out of Logan on Saturday, going to Idaho with his family for Christmas. He’s going to stay with me the night before.”
“You’re sure this is what you want?”
The past two years slammed around in my head. Seeing him, his beautiful hands, his softly glistening hair in French class. Pursuing him through debate team timekeeping. Talking endlessly with him so many days and nights. Sharing our thoughts, our dreams, our selves in letters, reading his poems, knowing his ideals and fears. All I felt was a rush of love, of being loved, and knowing there was still something missing in all of that.
I tried explaining that to her. “It’s like I’m – we’re – putting together a jigsaw puzzle. It’s not just love, it’s more than that. But there’s a final piece, it won’t be complete without it.”
Jeanne looked puzzled. I couldn’t tell if it was what I’d said, or her frustration with the flash card she was staring at. Marcia simply nodded, saying, “He’s beautiful, you two look so…so perfect together. No one’s going to say this is anything but good for you, for the two of you.”
“OK, I’m going to take it now. Want to watch?”
Jeanne finally asked, “What are you two talking about? What’s the matter, Janie?”
I went back to my room, grabbed the pill and the pack it came from, returning holding both aloft. Marcia must have filled Jeanne in while I was gone, as she said, “Ooooh…the Pill.” They cheered as I swallowed it with a glass of water.
The next night, Mike arrived, and we had dinner celebrating the end of my first semester at college. After the break was “reading period”, and a few more final exams, but the real work was over.
Back in my room, Mike started talking about his family’s trip to Sun Valley. “My father wants to try skiing there, with S. He’s always finding some new sport.”
“Are you going to ski, learn how?”
“I don’t want to. It feels like something rich people do, to go and show off in their clothes, act pompous and entitled. I’m going to just sit in the Inn while they go out. A chance to study for that Organic Chem final. I have to get at least a B, just to get a C for the semester.”
“C! Don’t you need that for med school?”
“Yeah, if I keep that up, I’ll just find another career, I think.”
“What would that be?”
“I’ve thought about that, you know. I like to drive, just sit in my car going across the country, hours on end. Maybe I’ll be a long-distance truck driver.”
As usual, he seemed serious, so I didn’t make fun of that. But I really couldn’t see him eating at truck stops, talking with guys in overalls and baseball caps.
“Listen, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” I pulled back my hair, tilting my head towards him. “What do you see?”
“A new hair band?”
Frustrated, I chastised him. “No. I went to the doctor last week, got my ears pierced!”
“Why?”
“It’s something girls do at this age, you know.”
“Sure, but you? I mean, you don’t wear lipstick or make-up, why did you want to do that?”
“I just wanted to. But there’s another thing. While I was at the doctor, I asked him about …about what we did a couple of weeks ago. He said, you can get pregnant even from something like that.”
Mike’s face went blank, but I could sense him stiffen up, getting anxious. I went on, “So I got some birth control pills. Mike, I don’t want to stop what we were doing, but I don’t want to get pregnant either.” He stayed quiet. “Say something!”
“Well, that’s good. That’s good, yeah, that’ll be better.” We were looking straight at each other, not smiling, but not turning away either. Inside, I was a little mad that I had to do all the work here, getting the pills, having my body changed by them. But I didn’t want to scare him off, so I kept that to myself, for now. Instead, I reached out and stroked his cheek.
He finally got the idea, and started to kiss me, unbuttoning my blouse while I undid his belt. The bed beckoned.
After we finished, I sat up. Lifting the sheet, looking at its underside, then at the one below me, I observed, somewhat analytically, “Look. I bled a little. Not much, but there it is.”
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