!!!!!*****WORKING DRAFT*****!!!!!
It took me several weeks of crumpled paper, but finally, I was able to send this off to Mike:
Dear Mike,
And so my roommate just asked me who I was writing to & I said “my old boyfriend in California.” Now does that make senses. Anyway, I realised that I don’t totally want to lose touch with you – though for a while that seemed a possibility. Thank you for the Jeep – what can I say – all debts are paid. Oh fuck, I don’t mean to be maudlin. I sat there packing up and looked at 2 yrs. of your letters, threw them out once, then retrieved them & started going through them, decided to send them to you to keep & started writing you a letter & then just threw them all away again. And it doesn’t mean anything. That, I suppose, is the problem.
Factually, I am living in Cambridge this summer. Marcia & I were going to go to Europe, neither of us very decided. In early June, her father said, “no”, I got a job, later he said “Yes” but somehow by that time I no longer felt up for the adventure & really wanted to stay here. I still feel torn about it — mainly guilt to Marcia for finking out. My job is, for the summer – and I still say that I’ll leave in Fall to travel, esp. Israel, for as while. The job isn’t overwhelmingly wonderful – a research assistant at a Sleep & Dream lab. The last 2 wks & next week I have been the secretary of the lab as well – which in a strange way I like. For years I had a feeling of how awful being a secretary is – but now I know & appreciate its degradation; in a way I feel as if I understand women better too – the fact of how many women do this all their lives & what it does to one. Also, I’m living with lots of people, something I feel is important – a “skill” – to learn. Living at 119 Oxford St, Apt 3, as a matter of fact with 5 people you don’t know, they are not close friends, but it has been working out & I’m learning.
Somehow I guess this year was my first real year in Cambridge & I’ve conquered a lot of bug-a-boos. for me & feel a part of it. I don’t want to get sucked in, but feel I can live here if I want. Leslie is back, she married Paul, they are wonderful together & I hope to see more of Bev and Jeanne (Jeanne graduated Phi Beta Kappa, I graduated magna).
Mike – I like me now. Not that I’m all straightened out or a good person. This year was a process of finding parts – large parts – of myself through negative self-definition, always a hard and depressing enterprise – finding out all the me’s I wasn’t & was not going to be. And so now I am somehow stronger – I cry a lot & still daydream too much – but somehow I feel more control over me & what I want to do. Slowly, I’m even learning to relinquish some of that control – to feel a little more.I think that with you I could feel – physically & emotionally – but not always & now it’s something I have to fight to win back & probably go back to my shrink. I’m slow, but I learn. Things about feeling — telling people that Lizzie is with you in Los Angeles makes a great story but I can;t figure out how I feel about it. Like, somehow I feel numb to it, yet I’m not sure if the numbness is fear of caring or lack of feeling — and now it scares me a bit. In Dories Lessing – The Golden Notebook – one of the characters says how people go to psychiatrists because they can’t feel anymore, & it’s true.
Speaking of Doris Lessing – I think one of the things I like about me now is greater awareness of what can only be referred to as “women’s things.” Being more aware of the societal-sexist ways I am fucked up & fucked over as well as individual things. Fighting back against that for my personhood. Sure, tonight I’m waiting for a boy-to-call-me-back, but I’ve stopped letting people care for me – “do you have your keys” – simply because I’m a woman. It’s a hard line for me & I tend to be so defensive that it seems aggressive – again, it’s hard to give up the control if you can win it. I suppose that I would seem different to you in these ways.
No, I’m not going to talk about “us” – I don’t suppose that is really very relevant. To be honest I’m really curious about you & Lizzie, partly because I care about both of you, partly out of sheer curiosity. And I wish you would write me & tell me about you & about her — I guess mainly about you.
Many, many Cambridge people send you regards – as always. Please write; I really don’t to lose contact with you.
[I added my address “until the end of summer”, and my phone number – if you feel inclined to call ever, then]
I hope the summer is good – say hello to Lizzie for me.
Love,
Sarah
(ps – a very lovely record – closely tied to the Vineyard, James Taylor, etc — Carole King – Tapestry.
8 July 1971
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