!!!!!*****WORKING DRAFT*****!!!!!
Dear Mike,
In my unfortunate lacksidasical way I’ve finally gotten around to writing again. Although I don’t think a letter from me in the last month would have been any treat— I’ve just finished the graduate school rat-race, with happy conclusions; I got into BU, Teachers, Un. of North Carolina, and Tufts, and I am going to BU. Actually, for a long time I had been all set to go to BU if I got in because of it’s being in Boston and all my ties here— therapy, Howard, friends, research work— but I had really good interviews at Teachers and was very tempted to go there. In the end though, I just didn’t really want to go to NYC enough, I didn’t feel ready to spend a year getting used to a new place and uprooting myself. And finances will be easier at BU since I will get fellowship aid and be able to work part-time for Dr. Brazelton. So, in all, it worked out well and I am pleased— from time to time I just realize that I am actually going to be able to be a clinical psychologist and really get excited about it. In a way it does commit me to Boston even more as my home, but that’s OK too— it would have been nice if I had gotten into Berkeley, but otherwise, I’d just as soon stay here.
So, the whole anxiety about getting into school is slowly wearing down and things are settling down. Little else has changed— I still like my work and am getting better at working with newborns. It’s still cold here and we only get glimpses of Spring interrupted with days and days of rain or more cold weather.
Certainly, the other reason it took me so long to reply is that I was a bit overwhelmed by your choice of OB-GYN. Of course, it’s a gold mine for fantasy material, the very idea of one’s first true love becoming a gynecologist, as you probably understand from seeing women’s reactions and feelings about gynecologists. A gynecologist is certainly the least value— and fantasy-free doctor relationship for women, with pediatricians running a distant second. Added to this is the fact that I work somewhat with obstetricians in this job, since we have to clear research on their “patients” with them. Certainly the most troublesome thing to me is how callous and distant most of them are to their patients— there is all this concern about “patient cooperation” under different anesthesia conditions, but much less concern with what is the effect of the drug on the baby and alerting the mother to different effects with different drugs. I suppose that’s the common maternity hospital scene, with too many doctors too busy and not a lot of concern for non-private patients and all the other ills of the American medical scene. And because I have all these feelings about you, they get mixed up with the things I feel about gynecologists that are pretty emotional. Like how awful it is to go to the gynecologist for the first time if no one has told you about what happens during the internal; or how degraded I felt at the Beth Israel clinic when two gynecologists sat there discussing me, but refusing to tell me the name of the vaginal infection I had, insisting I go off pills, and then misdiagnosing me and giving me a brutal internal. Those kind of feelings are certainly the worst of it; luckily I have had good experiences, like finding good gynecologists who explain what they are doing and let you feel the ovaries and cervix as they are checking them and just being able to find books like OUR BODIES OUR SELVES that give so much important information. It’s amazing how many women I see in the hospital who have been told so little of what to expect when they have a baby— not knowing about delivery drugs and PKU tests and silver nitrate swelling up the baby’s eyes. Anyway, your going into gynecology set off a whole string of emotions in me. Neither you nor I was very comfortable with my body when we knew each other, but now we both know a lot more, and I apologize if I seem to be preaching. What I’m trying to say is a good gynecologist can do so much good for a woman and her self-knowledge, and a bad one can do so much harm, that I really feel strongly about your choice. And bve sure to warm your specula.
Is Shelly married yet? I couldn’t tell how you feel about it from your last letter, though your parents are probably glad. Good heavens, I just realized i was your birthday yesterday— that must have been part of the vibrations motivating me to write. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you celebrated well, though I must admit I have no strong feelings either way about 24. What are your plans for the summer? Are you going to work through? I hope to take August off before I go back to school in early September; we’d like to go out to the farm we visited in British Columbia again, though plans are totally unformed as yet.
I hope this letter hasn’t been too preachy, I didn’t want to be oppressive. Again Happy birthday.
[I set the letter aside for a day, then re-read his, and added a handwritten ending to this typed missive]
In you last letter you seemed so cut off & distant with your emotions—this is not an accusation, but it made me sad & concerned about you. Surely you know I don’t want you to be unhappy. I hope things are better or that I just caught you in a temporary “down” mood.
Love,
Sarah
11 APRIL 1973