My computer’s instant message program, “iChat”, wakes up with its little ring. It’s Cody, letting me know that a Google search on the phrase “cotton is for cadavers” reveals nothing in Google’s infinite database.
“You should enter it into your blog, so you can get rights on it”, he goes on. While I don’t know if THIS is the phrase I want to become famous for, I figure it’s a start on my program to become at least as famous on the internet as Susan Boyle. (What?! You’ve never heard of her? What rock have you been living under this past week?)
I’m not sure where the connection between cotton and actual cadavers comes from. Were cadavers historically wrapped in cotton sheets while awaiting dissection? Or is the reference to this item in the Wikipedia entry on “Cadaver” – “An embalmer may clean and shave the face, fill the eye sockets with cotton to make them appear full…”
I picked up the phrase somewhere in my eclectic readings – can’t remember where or when, but I do know I was reading about either backpacking or skiing, probably in a magazine article.
(I interrupt this rather pedestrian entry to comment on the baseball game I am simul-watching while I write. Through the first 3 innings, the Angels and Mariners are locked in a pitchers’ duel, with the Halos getting one hit, and the first nine men up going down in order for the Mariners. Bottom of the 4th, first man up is Ichiro, who yesterday, with a grand slam home run, tied the record for most “major league hits” for the Japanese – 3.086 combined Japan and US big leagues. In this game, he lets the first two pitches go by – both balls. Next offer – from a lefty, no less [Ichiro bats left, a supposed disadvantage vs a left-handed pitcher] Ichi does his signature move, the “archer pose”, right arm straight out, left hand tugging at his front sleeve, winding up in time with the pitcher’s motion. He eyes the offering, waits until it’s almost by him while winding up everything except his bat – and seemingly pokes the ball flat on the ground right between the first and second basemen. I ponder what to call this man who is racking up hits faster and more consistently than anyone before him. “Genius”? “Nonpareil”? “Master”? “Magician”? I mean, he gets hits at times and in places no else would even consider – he is playing a different game from everyone else. I just call him “The Wizard”. His skill is so unique, and so hidden, that I don’t think we’ll ever really understand it. Anyway, he gets his hit, and eventually scores by moving around the bases like this: perfect bunt, runners 1st and 2nd, no one out. Sac fly to right, advance to third, 1 out. Fielder’s choice to SS – no chance at the plate with Ichi’s speed. One run, one ground ball single barely making it to the outfield. This is why the Mariner’s have the best record in the American league, after losing 101 games [out of 162] last year. New manager, Don Wakamatsu. The TV guys insist on calling his aggressive brand of baseball and base running “Wak ball”, eschewing the underground phrase we are already hearing – “Matsu Ball”. Apparently, the Japanese/Jewish mixture is too global for them – they prefer the East Asian Chinese/Japanese mash-up instead, I guess, or maybe they don’t know the difference. And now, back to the original entry.)
The author was discussing proper clothing for certain conditions: (1) Wet and/or cold; (2) Exercising to the point of sweating, usually for a prolonged period; (3) Possibility of not getting inside and drying off afterwards. He said something like, “In these situations, you may want to consider dropping your natural fiber inclinations, especially your love of soft, caressing cotton. Remember what my father told me, when I was packing for my first overnight backpacking trip – ‘Son, cotton is for cadavers. Go with that polypropylene stuff’.”
I have found one good use for cotton: cycling at a brisk pace in a dry climate at about 100F. The sweat turns that old T shirt you’ve got on into a regular swamp cooler. Otherwise – stay away from it as a base layer.
Which brings me to another phrase – this one currently gets 238 hits on Google: “There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.” It’s a shame these two very sage pieces of advice for outdoor endurance activities are so woefully underrepresented on the internet. Why, “George Bush is Satan” gets 443 hits. Substitute Barack Obama, and you get 1,240. I think this just proves the odds of getting actual useful sane advice in your internet searches – odds are 2-4 to 1 against.
Anyway, the top hit for the no bad weather, just bad clothing phrase led me directly to the WordPress blog of Pamie Jane, a Port Elizabeth (South Africa) house wife who recently (4-5-9) finished Ironman South Africa. Her blog looks eerily similar to mine, although she has WAY more visitors, from all around the world, and she has WAY cooler links to other women writing triathlon blogs, and she is just so much BETTER than me in every way as an internet self-publicist. But anyone who’s living in Port Elizabeth, South Africa (that’s USA – Union of South Africa, you know) and whining about the weather deserves NO sympathy at all.
I spend a lot of time out on the road either running or cycling. I notice what other people are wearing, and ponder their choices. In general, serious cyclists seem much more rational in their choices than runners. Runners are out in the most godawful weather, wearing nothing but a cotton t-shirt, floppy shorts, and shoes the size of boats. This is so wrong in so many ways, but they can get away with it because (a) they are generating a lot a heat while (b) going too slowly to produce any significant wind chill effects.
Me, I don’t like to be cold when I run. I don’t like to be wet either. And, I don’t like the abrasive feel of shorts rubbing against my inner things with every step. So I choose to overdress when I run, adhering to the precept that “I’d rather be warm and wet than cold and wet.” (FIVE HITS! Found in a triathlon blog, a message board about a long distance trail in Scotland, a forum on car camping with tiny trailers, and a message board about touring Disney World during a hurricane) So I choose to run in form fitting nylon shorts – a little like bike shorts, but without the pad – polypro shirt(s), and leg, head, torso and hand coverings appropriate to the temperature and wetness of the day. No cotton for me!
Biking presents a different challenge – a decent speed (16-22 mph for me) gives a significant breeze at all times unless you’ve got a 20 mph tailwind. How often does THAT happen? So overdressing in layers can be lifesaving. We end up with all sorts of little additions – arm warmers, leg warmers, head warmers, thin rain and wind jackets, which when shed can get stuffed into the three back pockets of our shirts. And the thin form fitting fabric is there so we don’t get slowed down by baggy clothes flopping in the wind, and so the sweat we make leaves our skin and stays in the fabric, incidentally pulling the odor off our bodies and into the stretchy stuff.
There – a short treatise, or teaser, on the principles behind the dress code for triathletes in training. And I guarantee this is the ONLY place on the web you will find all three of these key concepts in one place:
Cotton is for cadavers.
I’d rather be warm and wet than cold and wet.
There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing.
Remember them, these phrases could save your life someday! Or at least comfort you when you feel you’re dressed too much like a geek.