My wife says I’m ambitious. I have a slightly different view: I think I’m a frustrated underachiever. Meaning, I have always wanted just to slide by, but something keeps driving me to go a little further, until I find a place I can’t (or don’t want to) get to.
I don’t know if this is a universal human trait. But if it weren’t hard-wired into at least a few of us, how would we have ever gotten down from the trees, walked upright on the savanna, started planting grass for the winter, and built cities for our dead?
So at this late date in my life, I reluctantly concede to the probability that I have the ambition gene. I could have chosen almost any path in life, but I deliberately picked one requiring an unusual amount of time, study, and persistence – a medical degree in 20th century America. When it came time to pick a place for post-post-graduate work (called residency), I made my choice based on where I might find the busiest workload, so I could expose myself to the highest possible number of unusual medical oddities, and where I could have the most experience delivering babies and doing surgery. Practice, practice, practice.
Leaving residency, I worked for six months as a mercenary in LA, and then took nine months off to ski in Utah. I had no plan for my future – I was trying to underachieve, but again failed in my attempt. I ran out of money, so I found a job, picking one where I was able to start something from the ground up. Within five years, I had gone from raw recruit to the chief of staff of a rapidly growing medical group of over 100 doctors. Another five years, and I advanced to leading the whole organization, now with over 1000 doctors in my care.
I apparently couldn’t stifle whatever it is in me that says, “You’ve got to strive to be the top dog.” During that tenure, I could see where the next step was, to go from leading a doctor group to leading a complex health care system. For once, I said, “No, I don’t want to go there.” At every step along the way, I could see where the next step “up” might be, and understand what I would have to do and be to take it. I always transformed myself *after* I had the dream in mind, not the other way around.
Immediately after abandoning my leadership dreams, I took up triathlon. I’ve now finished ten years on that road. As before, I have not been satisfied with just participating in the events – with just finishing. No, I had to be the top dog again. I collected first place medals and plaques, and have grown to enjoy running by people at the end of the race, or running away from them during the race. (It is *much* harder to be in front than it is to get in front.)
I have learned that, to raise my sights, I have to narrow my goals. At first, I thought I could achieve high levels of performance in all kinds of multisport events. Eventually, I got seduced by the Ironman. I’m at the point where I feel I understand the event, and what it takes to perform at the very highest level. I’ve been gradually passing milestones: qualifying to go to the world championships in Kona; winning my age group; running the entire marathon; running the marathon in 4 hours; going under 11 hours. With each new step, I see where the next one is. I can see several more steps I might take, and they frighten me a bit. Not because they are impossible to take, but because I now believe, with the right amount and type of work, I can make the climb.
Here are the new things I dream about in the Ironman now, in order of difficulty. First, I KNOW I can go faster than the current records in my age group at both Coeur d’Alene and Arizona. I know that because, at age 59 1/2, I was 15 minutes below both of them. Second, I KNOW I should be among the three fastest Americans in my new age group. Third, I suspect that I can be among the top 5 or 10 at Kona next year.
If I can achieve those standards, which are all realistic goals for next year, then new dreams open up. Why not be the BEST American? Why not win at Kona? And why not achieve a time which, age adjusted, would be equal to a quality professional time – under 9 hours?
See what I mean – there is NO END to this. Each time I achieve something I thought was just out of reach, it doesn’t satisfy me. It only makes me think of what I should be reaching for NEXT.
I got into this originally (I thought) because I wanted to demonstrate what is possible for someone who is “older”. At this point, I am older than 97+% of the people in any given race, and yet there are still people who are older than me (somewhere in the world) who are better than me. So I haven’t yet reached my original goal, I guess.
So, back to earth. Or at least back to 2009. This year, I intend to go as far under the current age group record times in Ironman Coeur d’Alene and Ironman Arizona as possible. And I intend to get on the podium at Kona. Specific, concrete goals. I know what it will take in my training to achieve them, and I know what it will take DURING the race to achieve them. And those two things are what frighten me. I’m frightened not because I can’t, but because I know I can. The question which troubles me, is “Will I?” Will I do what is required to climb up to that level, every day, and especially on the three days in question?
Luckily, I don’t have to start until Feb 15th. Until then, I can enjoy Christmas and skiing with my family. Try to help me have fun.